i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
