currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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