I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
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