When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
