My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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