put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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