Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
