we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
