My brain says no but my pants say off.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
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