grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
