My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
