i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
