In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize