There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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