I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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