I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
