Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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