i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
