get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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