My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
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