Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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