quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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