I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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