JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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