So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
