sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
