Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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