dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
