8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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