i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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