Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
