he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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