I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Randomize
