shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
