My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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