Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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