If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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