Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
