dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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