JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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