Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
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