I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
