My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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