you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
