Pants 0. Shit 1.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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