That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize