Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Randomize
