Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Please don't give away my fajitas
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Randomize
