Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
