just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
