1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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