There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
