I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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