I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
