I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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