just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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