No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
