My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
