We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
