well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
