I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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